Dear God, This is Melissa

Well, whatever my physical ailment was/is, I don't have to deal with it right now. And, a little perspective: We're praying for a guy in FC, CO who has meningitis and has already gotten over milestones of progress with huge miraculous healing that is not medically explainable. SO, as I was praying "You are the Great Physician and I know You have a plan for this situation to be glorious and I thank You that the family has such great faith and they are surrounded by so many prayer warriors and faithful friends", I had to slap myself in the face a little. A week ago, it was me I should've praying the EXACT prayer for but I wasn't. I was anxious and anticipating and imagining all possible outcomes and emotional. --Lord, I sing "You have my heart" and then when the littlest thing happens, I grab it and hold it and fear for it breaking if I let go. I guess I'm not ready to be broken, I don't want to struggle or go through any hardship. I want to live through the day having NO problems and be happy. But Lord, that's not how we grow and that's EXACTLY how fellow believers, human beings, broken hearts, and lost souls go unattended to. When people who have so much to give keep it to themselves, go about their day in bliss, not thinking of anyone else, and not giving back to You by giving to others. I bow my head in defeat, breathe out my restraint, and outstretch my arms with my heart enveloped in my hands and open them up for you to have complete access and please, take it. I don't want to hold on to it. I know I can't do it justice like you can. I know in my head. Please help me know in my heart. Please take my heart and form it. Take my will, conform it. Take my mind. transform it. To Yours. Please God.-- And these are the times that grace was invented for; hindsight. When we look back and realize we were a dumbass. He is able to take it and use it, somehow, if for no other reason than to point out how much we need Him. Thank You for grace, for being the Great Physician, and for loving us enough.
And so now, paramedics are being sent to the oil spill because there are so many people trying to fix the problem and they are getting sick and I guess it has to be treated with HazMat protocols so they're needing more and more emergency services at hand. I don't know all the details yet until mine gets there and reports. I need to call on Him once more, this time BEFORE I am looking back regretting. I tend to get emotional, think about all possible outcomes, and feel sorry for myself. But I call on Him now to help me not do that. I want to be prayerful, faithful, excited about His will and purpose. To my human eye, this has danger and disaster written all over it. I am thankful that God lives and that He loves me. I don't have to give in to this feeling of desperation. --God, please help me have faith. Please step in and show me You in this. Please grab my attention in a real life sort of way. And PLEASE use me and the abundant blessings you've given me. And when I get tired and weighed down by emotions and thoughts, please renew my energy with supernatural perseverance. When I get so sad, please replace that with eternal brand joy and optimism. I know I can't do it on my own, no matter how much I focus, I can try my absolute most and all I'm going to get is really good human efforts. These will not suffice, no good. Human efforts don't tear down heart walls or heal heart wounds or sustain life. It's YOU. So, I lay it down. If I try real hard, You won't have room to move through me. So I lay it down. I close my eyes, reach out my hand, and ask that you lead. Move me. Speak through me. Love through me. Show me. Please.--
Thank You